Telling the Kids….

There are many things in life that as hard as you try, you cannot adequately prepare yourself for until you are actually faced with them.  One of those moments in life is telling your children that you have made the decision to separate.  My husband and I faced that moment in life a few weeks ago.

Prior to telling them, we read the articles and the right books, including, What about the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce,  by Judith S. Wallerstein.  We wanted to be as educated and prepared as possible.  We took into account what we read and combined with what we both know about our girls to hopefully anticipate their reaction and be able to respond the right way. 

Everything we read though reminded us what we say in that first conversation our children will remember forever.  That continued to ring through my mind as we got closer and closer to the day.  We already are letting them down by separating, will I affect them even further by saying the wrong thing? 

When the day had come, my stomach was doing flips, my hands shaking.  It felt like days instead of hours waiting for them to get home from school.  My husband looked at me one last time and asked the one question, “have we done everything we could do.”  That was not what I needed to hear at that moment.  I was mentally prepared – that only added to my guilt.  I knew I had come this far for a reason and had to take that next step. 

We started just as we had rehearsed, saying “this was not your fault”, “mommy and daddy love you very much but mommy and daddy can no longer be happy together”.  We explained the changes to our family.  My youngest who is 5 was listening but not really understanding.  My oldest (8) was saying nothing.  I was holding them both trying to be conscious of not talking too much trying to fill moments of silence.  I thought all was going ok until I looked down and saw the tear fall slowly down my daughters cheek, she was still saying nothing.  My heart sank as I wondered what must be going through her mind right now, knowing that my biggest fear at her age was that my parents were going to get divorced. 

It is at that moment you are so tempted to take it all back, rewind the clock and make it all better again.  But I could not for two reasons, I could not take back what has been said and I could not turn back now.

For me, telling them was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  I have been walking around feeling like we were betraying them by not telling them.  Now that we have it has made it real and the secret has been lifted.  In an odd way, I feel an even deeper connection to them.  I cannot stop my little tears from falling from their eyes but I can make them fewer over time as we all realize that we are going to be ok. 

I will continue to post as we continue to move forward….

Better Left As Memory?

So…most of us have the one love in our past that we think about from time to time.  A song comes on that reminds us of them..it is like the song Every Now and Then from Garth Brooks.  If you are not familiar with that song I would suggest listening to it!  

I have dated several men before finally walking down the aisle and have run into them from time to time without too much thought given to it - more just great to see you, how is your life and then ready to move on.  But then there is that one…for me that one now lives within a quarter of a mile from me in my new home (believe it or not I did not plan it that way - it just happened.)  And it gets better than that.  Two days before my youngest goes to her new school for "Meet and Greet" I find out that his daughter is in the same class as mine - what are the odds of that?  I guess high since we both live in the same neighborhood and have kids the same age but still not what I was expecting.

So now the anticipation sets in - I have not seen him for over 10 years - not since the dreaded  "this just isn't working out" conversation.  What wasn't working out was that his long time girlfriend showed up at his doorstep wanting him back.  I lived 500 miles away - there was no fighting for it at the time even though I desperately wanted to.  

Over the last ten years I have thought about him off and on - more so when things were at their worst with my husband, less when I was happier.  Always wondering though what could have been.  Would I have been happier with him?  I would remember the way he looked at me, the hours of phone conversations, the laughter but most of all the comfort and security I felt.  All those things that I never had with my husband.  Even though the relationship did not last long it was long enough to steal a portion of my heart that I never got back.  Of course I look at my girls and would not change anything in my life but you cannot help but wonder - what if?  Would I be where I am now, in the middle of a divorce, or not?

The day of Meet and Greet.  The rational part of me is thinking this is so silly - it has been ten years, we are both married and have moved on. But with the first look, all those feelings rushed back instantly.  It seemed just maybe for him too.  It would have been a lot easier I suppose if I had run into him over the years.  But I was here now.  Hi, how are you conversations.  Then the "this is my wife, this is my husband" introductions, then the awkwardness set in.  No one knew what to say, of course the spouses having no idea what is going on.  

Then I got to wondering as I looked at him walking out the door…..sometimes are things better left as memories?  He was the one that I would think about when I was down, that intangible person that was no longer in my life but who brought me to a happier place in my thoughts when I needed it most.  Now, as he is standing in front of me I feel like I was robbed of that in a way.  He was real again with his new life and somehow it did not seem as thrilling to me anymore.  Yes, there were still feelings but it will never be the same for me.  So…my biggest question…who I am going to think about now to bring me to that happy place?  Well…hopefully as I move on I will be in that place in my life and not in a dream.  One can only hope!

Do I Know You?

So I have now been back in my "hometown" for 2 months and it has been an interesting two months.  Before moving back I thought this would be so easy - grew up here, know where all the grocery stores are, gas stations, and of course shopping malls.  Oh - and I know everyone that lives here - I grew up here - this will be so easy to jump back in.  First reality check since I have been back - I know no one!!!  I guess a lot can change in 20 years.

First signs I do now know anyone....I go to my girls elementary school and stare at all the moms laughing and chatting with one another.  And then there is me standing in the corner on my own praying for the moment by daughters walk through the door so I have someone to talk to and do not look like a fool.  There they are!!  Excitement sets in - I get them and get out of there.

Next big sign....Thursday night, sitting around alone with the girls, all of us a little bored and think tonight would be a great night to hang out with a girlfriend over a glass of wine and some girl talk.  One problem...I have no one to call.  (Yes, my family all lives right up the road but will post a separate blog on that one and then you will understand why I do not jump on that!)  In Virginia I always had someone to call...one in particular and I miss her!  These were the moments I could always rely on yes I will be right over.  Now I have to resort to texting her drinking a glass of wine on my own.  I guess that is the best I can do!  

Final big sign....running into people that apparently know me and I cannot remember where I know them from or if I even do.  They are at a complete advantage living here their whole lives - I am the old but new person - easy to remember.   Me not so much.  FIrst I am horrible with names and faces so this does not help the situation.  Next  - I have lived in 5 different states - I do not know where I know them from and I should be excused for that.  

The other day I ran into a friend of my sisters at the grocery store, thought I knew exactly who she was, proceeded to talk to her for a half an hour thinking again the whole time I knew exactly who she was.  When I told my sister I ran into her she informed me that would be a little odd since she lives in Florida and most likely was not shopping for apples here.  After 15 minutes of going through everyone she knew finally figured out who it really was!!!  In my defense, the rumor around town is the girl it was tries to look just like the one in Florida - made me feel like I was not totally off my rocker : )

As everyone says...it will take time.  So I will wait and try my hardest to talk to anyone that comes my way and just maybe just maybe I will make a friend!!