Telling the Kids….

There are many things in life that as hard as you try, you cannot adequately prepare yourself for until you are actually faced with them.  One of those moments in life is telling your children that you have made the decision to separate.  My husband and I faced that moment in life a few weeks ago.

Prior to telling them, we read the articles and the right books, including, What about the Kids?: Raising Your Children Before, During, and After Divorce,  by Judith S. Wallerstein.  We wanted to be as educated and prepared as possible.  We took into account what we read and combined with what we both know about our girls to hopefully anticipate their reaction and be able to respond the right way. 

Everything we read though reminded us what we say in that first conversation our children will remember forever.  That continued to ring through my mind as we got closer and closer to the day.  We already are letting them down by separating, will I affect them even further by saying the wrong thing? 

When the day had come, my stomach was doing flips, my hands shaking.  It felt like days instead of hours waiting for them to get home from school.  My husband looked at me one last time and asked the one question, “have we done everything we could do.”  That was not what I needed to hear at that moment.  I was mentally prepared – that only added to my guilt.  I knew I had come this far for a reason and had to take that next step. 

We started just as we had rehearsed, saying “this was not your fault”, “mommy and daddy love you very much but mommy and daddy can no longer be happy together”.  We explained the changes to our family.  My youngest who is 5 was listening but not really understanding.  My oldest (8) was saying nothing.  I was holding them both trying to be conscious of not talking too much trying to fill moments of silence.  I thought all was going ok until I looked down and saw the tear fall slowly down my daughters cheek, she was still saying nothing.  My heart sank as I wondered what must be going through her mind right now, knowing that my biggest fear at her age was that my parents were going to get divorced. 

It is at that moment you are so tempted to take it all back, rewind the clock and make it all better again.  But I could not for two reasons, I could not take back what has been said and I could not turn back now.

For me, telling them was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.  I have been walking around feeling like we were betraying them by not telling them.  Now that we have it has made it real and the secret has been lifted.  In an odd way, I feel an even deeper connection to them.  I cannot stop my little tears from falling from their eyes but I can make them fewer over time as we all realize that we are going to be ok. 

I will continue to post as we continue to move forward….